Procrastination…Why is it so hard to live my life?

 

Procrastination is the avoidance of doing a task which needs to be accomplished. It is the practice of doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ones, or carrying out less urgent tasks instead of more urgent ones, thus putting off impending tasks to a later time

Time Lost

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Procrastination, the eternal struggle between doing what I need to do and what I want to do. The definition makes sense to me in some regard, I put off work for some instant gratification, we all do that in some ways don’t we? But I think I bring it to new levels. I am able to keep my focus on the goal, that helps me to do what needs to be done, but I still seem to thrive on waiting until the last minute. I like the pressure of a time sensitive task, I like the urgency, the stress of having no more time to put something off.

I do it all the time, I goof off at something I would rather be doing until the urgency hits me, until I have no more time to wait. I do it with work deadlines, I even do it with my social life. But why?

After all, in my spiritual trek, I am getting clear on my goals, on my destination, on the my future path. But, for some reason, I am still putting my life on the back burner. For some reason, I would rather philosophize, read, study, write and mentally prepare for my future life than actually start living it.

Here I sit getting all philosophical, trying to understand my actions rather than changing them. What is that ? I mean I am here on this blog right now blogging about procrastination, which is essentially keeping me from doing what I need to be doing. My four-bedroom house sits still, when it should be covered in boxes. I have a shipping container being delivered on Tuesday. It is Saturday and I have still to really start packing. Yes, I have a few boxes of non-essentials sitting around my bedroom, but the meat of my house remains untouched. Moving to Hawaii is my dream. I have worked hard to prepare myself. I searched and searched for a job that could pay for my life there. I acquired the essential skills necessary for advancement. I’ve put in the work, I successfully navigated the interview, which consisted of a five-person panel of executives. I’ve accomplished one of my dreams! I am moving to Hawaii.

Moving to Hawaii is the next step of my dream. It’s part of my life plan. I am thrilled with the accomplishment! I have overcome adversity and accomplished my goal. I am excited. I have lists of things I want to do when I live there. I have a mild draft of the next part of my dream, what I plan to accomplish there. How I plan to get to a place where I can live there independently, without working for someone else, eventually. I’ve waited two long months between accepting the job and navigating the tedious on-boarding process. The day is here, my travel plans are set. My car has been shipped. The shipping container will be here in three short days. I am thrilled! But, here I sit, house unpacked. Why am I procrastinating?

Last night, I found myself perusing my mostly unpacked bookshelves for some kind of motivation. I wanted to read some magical words that would miraculously transport me to full-on motivation. I bargained with myself. Knowing I had a three-day weekend to get it job accomplished, I successfully put it off all week, knowing that today was the day. Half expecting to wake up motivated today to do what I have put off until the last minute, I woke this morning ready…. I checked in with myself, “Self, are you ready?” Mentally, I have been ready for months. I found myself wondering if my new-found spirituality would enable me to manifest a packed house, a packed office. Nope, I manifested my dream… I am going to Hawaii! Alas…. I still need to do the work.

Even this post on procrastination is just another way to procrastinate from packing.

Why is it so much easier to write about it than actually do it? I should be excited, I mean my dream is just days away. .. Why is it so much easier to write about my life than to live it?

Last night, I stayed up until 0400 (4 a.m). I was writing, reading, getting philosophical. My synapses were firing. I was able to write the plans for accomplishing the next phase of my dream, financial independence. The irony, I want financial independence so I only have myself to answer to. Yet, I have been unable to hold myself accountable.

I know intellectually, that once I start, I will be ok. Its kind of like going to the gym… once I get in the gym and put on my music, I can work out for hours, but, I will truly put off actually going to the gym as much as possible. Why?

I mean, I know why I want to pack. I know why I want to move. The motivation is clear. I thought if I was clear on my motivation, I would find the drive to do what needs to be done. Yet, here I sit.

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